I dont really know where to start. I havent been on in a while, and I certainly haven't had a journal for a while in any sorts. Right now i just feel the need to write because I'm at a low point and have no one else to talk to. Maybe that's the reason why so many people find an appeal to online journals. Even though they can be read by nearly anyone people still write in them because they're hoping that maybe, just maybe, someone will read it and actually care.

In the last 8 months I've tried to get a job, get into school, keep a relationships together and floundered in another, and just keep my emotions in check. In december Alena broke up with me for good. I actually wanted to commit suicide. As pointless and childish as it seems, it was what I wanted to do, at least in thought. Everyone wants that perfect relationship, or perfect someone, and when you think you've found it you will do nearly everything to keep it and if you cant do everything to either get it back or never be able to. Luckily, after close to 50 Ibuprofanes in one go and plenty of talks with a counselor, I managed to get help and stayed over night and 2 days at St. Francis Hospital. I was treated for severe depression and later found out that the reason i get such drastic spikes of depression is that I am indeed Bi-Polar. I never knew i had bi-polar disorder this whole time. Apparently it has many forms, the classic of which is a person who shows multiple up and down moods that are clearly visible from a week to week, even day to day basis. It turns out that I have a mix of that and the harder to recognize one; the one that gives you a manic state for nearly 3 months followed by some sort of depressive state that can last up to 6 months. For the last several years I have had to deal with ups and downs that seemed to only affect me over the course of a year, and then with ups and downs within the week that realy seemed to fit the description of an "emo child."

The good news is that I am diagnosed and that I am on medication which, for the most part, has made a huge difference in my life. My parent notice the change, and more importantly, I notice the change. Things have been going great for me. I've been feeling better than ever, and more stable than ever. And fortunately I'm now enrolled at South Seattle CC. and have been succeeding in my classes (for the most part). I actually find myself wanting to learn, or doing everything that i can to make sure I'm having fun while doing it. So why am I writing this?

Around Valentines Day i started to hit it off with a girl, lets call her Sheryl, anyways, we started to hit things off and soon we started dating. This was all before I had actually gotten on the medication for my Bi-Polar dissorder but had been diagnosed the week(s) earlier. Things were going well till i noticed that she had started to grow too attached far too fast. I decided that it was time to end it because I did not want that to happen as fast as it was. Although i still wanted to have things to do with her. I wanted her as my friend obviously, I'm too nice of a guy to break up with someone and then be the asswipe who doesnt talk to them ever again. But I also wanted to have sex and be sexual around her. She had no problem with this, because in her mind it meant that i still wanted her and that i might come back to her in the end. Yes, i seem like an asshole for wanting sex with her but not wanting the relationship, but understand that commitment right now was the last thing that i wanted, or want. Anyways, it was getting to the point that she realized that aside from being friends, all i really wanted was sex. This was only true in the fact that she was the only person i could actually have sex with. Since her and I had broken up she was being flocked by people that wanted to hook up with her or start a relationship with her, the moment i became single...no one wanted anything to do with me. My self esteem just plumeted. But despite all of my self esteem issues. The one thing i really wanted was for her to find someone other than me that she could have sex or do stuff with. I didnt want to feel like I was the only person she ever wanted to be with, i wanted her to actually move on instead of only saying that she did. The thing is, even though thats what i wanted, i never knew how i would feel when it finally happened.

Today she actually did. I have no idea how I feel about this. I feel sad, but i don't know why. This is what I wanted, I didnt want to feel like I was the only source of happiness for her. I wanted her to move on so that I could move on. So why do I feel this way? I really never got attached, I just decided it wasn't for me. Maybe I feel sad because it's just another blow to my self esteem? She literally can have any guy she wants, and I cant have a single drop of anything. I know that my medication is working, I'm not suicidal or anything, I just feel so down now, like i've been hit with the perverbial bus and didn't get the license plate number. I feel really...left out.

One of those nights...

I really wish i could have her back. I can't stop crying before i go to sleep every night. She's all i think about, when im doing something or not. This feels so wrong. Not being with her that is. I've tried explaining. But it seems like anything coming from me is not going to work with her. She's almost dead set in her mind that it couldn't work...but her heart knows that it can! v.v I'm going to go cry again.

I hate the feelings i have. As much as i try to hold them back, i know depression is taking over. I think i could handle Alena and I splitting up, I have no reason to doubt that. But right now, everything's feeling so horribly wrong. The worlds past me bye, and i can't find my place in it right now. To make matters worse, my sister Theresa is here, with her boyfriend Mark. I love my family, don't get me wrong, but Theresa is not compatible with me, or my personality type. Right now I have no friends that i can really turn to, and no for of building my self esteem, and her solution to everything is "Suck it up kiddo, we all have to." But that never works for me. If i do try to suck it up, i end up storing feelings that need to get out. And then i have an overload, or a severe attack of depression, and i just don't need that right now.

As for the title of this post, Always Love, that's to Alena. I'll always love her no matter what. It's the same for everyone else I've dated, except for one person, she really broke my heart and threw it into the fireplace. But I can't help thinking that this was not the best course of action. Her life's in turmoil where her best friend has to choose between  her or her girlfriend. But that has nothing to do with Alena's and my relationship, it was falling apart because she was losing feelings for me. It was better to end it now than let it drag on and be a Lie. Like one song i know, "Better to have love and lost than to live love a Lie." But at the same time...the only thing i want in this entire world is Alena. I don't want sympathy from my family, my friends (whats left of them), I don't want to move on, i just want everything to be how it use to be, but it will never be like that again. I hate myself for wanting the impossible, but i can't help it. I hate how i can get attached so easily. I look for the comfort and support only a significant other can give. In fact, i thrive of that. I'm always at my best during the time i have a girlfriend.

I hate this bullshit I live day to day. The only thing i had to look forward to was Alena's call at the end of the day. I know what people say, that i should really find something else to occupy my time. That would be easy, if it was for the fact that I'm Me.

Well, i haven't been on Mindsay for an extended period of time and actually left a blog. So what to talk about? Well, lets start with school.

School: Currently i am failing Political Science, and passing my other four classes, in some cases in the low 2.0...ANYWAYS. I'm devoting everything to passing that class because i need it for graduation. So i guess im fed up with school. I really hate being in the same building for more than three years, and being at Blanchet i have seen every single side of my senior class and then some. I found out near the beginning of the second semester that my friends that i had in the drama department from last year actually don't like me at all, in fact, they have openly said to my other friends their dislike of me. I guess I'm not really offended that they don't like me, I'm sure they have their reasons, but what really annoys me is the fact that they won't say it to my face, instead when I'm around they'll just act as if I'm still their friend. So yea...I'm annoyed with people.

Outside of school, i guess things are just normal. I have a girlfriend, Alena, whom i've been dating for just over a month, and she is amazing. I've known her all year, she transfered to Blanchet this year after going to Roosevelt, and i met her through Tim, Kate, and, ironically, Alex. (It's ironic because i had liked her at the time, but became way better friends with Alena). We have a lot in common, and for once, i see her often enough that I'm not suffering lol. The only thing we dont have in common is the age, she is 1 year 8 months younger than i am, so its still legal according to the law, but she's a sophomore. I don't care about the age difference, just a few people do, and its annoying lol.

But other than that, i have no social life =P.

So next year, or rather after graduation, im planning on taking a year off. I'm going to get a job, i dont care where, but im planning on a place like Northwest Arts and Frame, Guitar Center, or somewhere i know I'd have an enjoyable time. Yet, then again, everyone wants a job they can enjoy, and few rarely get that right out of highschool lol. Oh well, i still have high hopes, wish me luck =D

Each day seems to get longer, but at the same time less busy.

My life is full of stresses and complications, yet im too tired to deal with them

I'm sleeping late into the day, and retiring shortly into dusk.

My life has taken a turn, i just want to fade away.

As each day goes bye, i see everyones faces and hearts lit up deep inside

My life has been covered, a light waiting to fade away

Sometimes, i sit here wondering why or what, and realize theres nothing there

My life has seen too little to understand

The teachers and peers know nothing of my feelings, yet i try to cry out.

My life has many doors, but now they're fading

I've loved in moments, and lost it again, only to find Love leads to heartache

My life has seen the twisted path of Love, but now its faded away

In moments i've Loved, lost, triumphed, failed, persevered, and fallen

My life has come short of my expectations, leaving me to fade away

The pain of yesterday still lingers, even though it does not exist.

My life has moments in the past that don't exist, why wont they fade away?

Yet, I've felt Love, I've felt success, I've known the taste of tenderness

My life gives me those moments to shine, I wont fade away, not till the end of time.

Now, here, in this moment...Fade Away I Shall, till i shine again, till someone sees that i have Faded Away