Well, i haven't been on Mindsay for an extended period of time and actually left a blog. So what to talk about? Well, lets start with school.

School: Currently i am failing Political Science, and passing my other four classes, in some cases in the low 2.0...ANYWAYS. I'm devoting everything to passing that class because i need it for graduation. So i guess im fed up with school. I really hate being in the same building for more than three years, and being at Blanchet i have seen every single side of my senior class and then some. I found out near the beginning of the second semester that my friends that i had in the drama department from last year actually don't like me at all, in fact, they have openly said to my other friends their dislike of me. I guess I'm not really offended that they don't like me, I'm sure they have their reasons, but what really annoys me is the fact that they won't say it to my face, instead when I'm around they'll just act as if I'm still their friend. So yea...I'm annoyed with people.

Outside of school, i guess things are just normal. I have a girlfriend, Alena, whom i've been dating for just over a month, and she is amazing. I've known her all year, she transfered to Blanchet this year after going to Roosevelt, and i met her through Tim, Kate, and, ironically, Alex. (It's ironic because i had liked her at the time, but became way better friends with Alena). We have a lot in common, and for once, i see her often enough that I'm not suffering lol. The only thing we dont have in common is the age, she is 1 year 8 months younger than i am, so its still legal according to the law, but she's a sophomore. I don't care about the age difference, just a few people do, and its annoying lol.

But other than that, i have no social life =P.

So next year, or rather after graduation, im planning on taking a year off. I'm going to get a job, i dont care where, but im planning on a place like Northwest Arts and Frame, Guitar Center, or somewhere i know I'd have an enjoyable time. Yet, then again, everyone wants a job they can enjoy, and few rarely get that right out of highschool lol. Oh well, i still have high hopes, wish me luck =D

Each day seems to get longer, but at the same time less busy.

My life is full of stresses and complications, yet im too tired to deal with them

I'm sleeping late into the day, and retiring shortly into dusk.

My life has taken a turn, i just want to fade away.

As each day goes bye, i see everyones faces and hearts lit up deep inside

My life has been covered, a light waiting to fade away

Sometimes, i sit here wondering why or what, and realize theres nothing there

My life has seen too little to understand

The teachers and peers know nothing of my feelings, yet i try to cry out.

My life has many doors, but now they're fading

I've loved in moments, and lost it again, only to find Love leads to heartache

My life has seen the twisted path of Love, but now its faded away

In moments i've Loved, lost, triumphed, failed, persevered, and fallen

My life has come short of my expectations, leaving me to fade away

The pain of yesterday still lingers, even though it does not exist.

My life has moments in the past that don't exist, why wont they fade away?

Yet, I've felt Love, I've felt success, I've known the taste of tenderness

My life gives me those moments to shine, I wont fade away, not till the end of time.

Now, here, in this moment...Fade Away I Shall, till i shine again, till someone sees that i have Faded Away

I don't know where to start. I really don't.

My Life really is a sham right now. I'm 18 since last Wednesday, and honestly, at first it didn't feel like anything special. I expected something amazing. Something almost out of a movie or a dream.
There i would be, walking into school, going to AB module like normal, and playing superbly in Band. Well, i did, but i didn't get praise, only a put down by Jack. Then after AB i imagined walking up to the student lounge and being greeted by my friends, "Happy Birthday" they would shout, and present me with a card, or a present, or just a hug a pat on the back, something. But the reality was me walking up to the student lounge, no friends to greet me, not hugs, just nothing. It was the most ridiculous thing i could imagine. I also hoped that maybe my friends would have maybe made a locker sign for me or something, but no. I put all of this expectation, only to experience the worst ego crash ever. What really made the day terrible was after bowling, my dad took me out to Northgate Mall. I never thought so, but he didn't buy me a present before that. He bought me a computer game, which i had wanted, but i had told him that i wanted that game before hand and showed it to him. His purpose for going was to find a Jacket for me. We never bought one. We did find one however, but i hate the price. That was disappointing. 
I've already posted about that day, and everything that happened after that. But the real reason for this whole entry is because i feel like shit, i feel like genuine grade F shit.

I'm Failing my LA class
My brothers and sisters are upset at me for making my birthday a big deal
Alex is upset at me for not trying hard enough
My mothers upset at me for everything
I'm also failing my Art class.
I'm sick from all the stress
I'm coughing up blood mixed with mucus.
My head feels like its going to burst.
I'm just not good enough for everyone

My sister and my niece both wrote e-mails to my mom. I'm reacting to them, yes. But basically the gist of both emails was that my mother should ignore my behavior because I'm just a Self-centered kid who needs to grow up. I don't know how to take that. I really don't. I thought that i was a compassionate person, who cared for everyone, to the point where he would take their pain on as his. Can a compassionate, caring, and loving person really be self-centered? I don't believe they can. So if they can't, and thats the way others see me, as a self-centered little brat, and i see myself as something different, then what am I to do? Am i really just back to square one in life again? I have to redefine who I am, and the image i portray to others. The problem is...i don't know how, or even know if i want to. I've liked the guy i have been, because i thought i was caring, in fact, wouldn't you have to be if you went on Kairos? I'm so confused, and I'm so depressed.

I want to hide in a hole and pretend i don't exist.

Happy 18th birthday to me. No, never mind, not really.

Last night Alex was upset, and i ended up being too tired to get what i wanted to say out properly and made a hard situation terrible by mixing my words. So it started with me going to sleep depressed.

I woke up this morning to my dad pounding on the door twice to get me up. Needless to say i was later than normal getting to school.

At Jazz Band, A/B module, i managed to play a High D, and for me thats the highest note i can play, and i was really proud of myself. I turned to Jack Papin to get recognition for it and well he just stood there facing forward and said "I hit it all the time, no big deal". Well to me it was a big deal, and that made my morning worse.

After Band, i went out into the student lounge. Well...at that point i didn't want anything to do with anyone, so i avoided everyone. I know, pretty emo thing to do. Well, i ended up falling asleep in the student lounge, and Mrs. Purcell woke me up and wanted to see if i was ok, so she started to just talk to me. It was wonderful, but at the same time I didn't want it, i just wanted to be left alone.

1st period bell rang, and i went to class...I don't want to go into specifics because it would take forever, but the overall gist of today was: I was depressed from the start, and the fact no one cared it was my birthday made it worse.

I shouldn't say no one, there were a few people who texted me who i know had to go out of their way to do so. But thats the thing...they cared and they showed it. About 9 people said "Happy Birthday" to me in the halls. That was all but fulfilling. 

Also, at school, i wanted to just be with Alex. But of course because of stupid Drama politics, i couldn't, and that made the pain even worse. Then after school, i just couldn't stand being there any more, and left...

Bowling was fine today, well practice that is, I bowled a 161, 116, and a 149. All decent scores...then we ordered a new bowling ball, and hopefully it will be done tomorrow.

Then me and my dad went to Northgate Mall. I don't know why i let him take me there. We looked for the jacket that i wanted, we checked JC Penny's, Nordstrom, and finally found it at Macy's. But the jacket is a little on the expensive side. So my dad is going to deliberate buying it for me. What ever, its just a jacket right?

I got home...and honestly, this has been the worst birthday ever. I got home, i go downstairs to say hello to my mother and give her a belated birthday present herself, and she's there sobbing her eyes out. I don't know if you ever had that experience or not, but on your birthday it becomes something far worse than you can imagine. I held her for a while, then we had dinner, haphazard chicken strips...and the "cake" was a joke...I know my mother was trying to give me something similar to a birthday, and I'm luckier than most...but honestly nothing helped.

My presents were as follows: World of War Craft : Burning Crusade, Art Easel from Northwest Arts and Frame, and a new computer chair.

I don't care about the quality, and I LOVE the thought and care put into the gifts. But my dad BOUGHT the damn game RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. I never asked for an Easel, and i never asked for a new chair. They bought them for me because they knew i didn't ask for them, my mother TOLD me that. I don't care for presents, I care for the thought put into them and about whether they listened to me or not, and its clear, they didn't.

Could the day get worse after that? Yes, it quite can. After i put the chair together, comfy as it is, i went downstairs to see how my parents were doing, and well, my dad sent me to give my mom another hug. My mom was bawling her eyes out because of my sister. My sister pulled herself out from her life so that she could come to terms with my grandfathers death earlier this year. I can understand the need for it, but my mother can't. Something got to me after i stood there embracing her. I went up to my room and cried for the first time in about 9 months.

My birthday sucked from the morning up after. I was supposed to get the bowling ball yesterday, but Robbyn forgot. The presents don't mean anything to me. And worse of all, my mother starts crying about my sister because she texted me in the morning telling me "happy birthday".

Right now, i honestly feel like no one gives a rats ass about today, or about me. Today is my god damn birthday. Today is a celebrating of my birth, yet no one seemed to really celebrate. I want to feel wanted and loved in this world. But even my own god damn parents are crying about my sister on my birthday. I'm fucking 18 years old now as well. Isn't that one of the few landmark birthdays? I thought it was. But now i see that it really doesn't matter. And if that doesn't matter, what do I matter eh?

Fuck All. Today Sucked.

So, pretty much, the last week was me going to Kairos for a Second Time. And to those who dont know what that is, its basically a retreat for seniors to go and break down to the point where they show their true sides. So for the last four five days i've been emotionally beaten down even as a leader this time around. I loved my group, i truely had an extraordinary group, they bonded so well.

 

So, right now im faced with some drama. I have a girlfriend, but we haven't seen each other since we got together, about 3 weeks ago...>.<...and then i liked this other girl, who goes to my school. I dont know if its because i truely like her more than my girlfriend, or if its just that the distance has been driving me insane and that this girl see's me every day. So, even with that theres drama, this one girl does like me, but my friends that we have in common say that they would lose respect for her if she ever dated me. I find that ridiculous and judgemental. I really hate highschool sometimes